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| Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Untitled |
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Katana Dark Wizard \"She said tonight...come on come on collide...see what I fire feels like..I bet its just like heaven.\"          Since: 08-15-04 From: Philadelphia, P.A. Since last post: 1557 days Last activity: 1374 days |
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Alrighty...I didn't go back and spell check anything. I kinda just went with the flow. So as far as grammar and spelling is concerned, I know there are mistakes.  I'm just concerned with style here. I don't show people my written work often, but I decided to swallow the anxiety and try it for once.
____________________________________ Chapter One "Anna. Become a girl." She read the words over and over again, before finally giving her cousin a strange look. Sitting on Anna's bed, Fallon was swinging her legs over the side and grinning. She took her shoulder length, chestnut brown hair and pulled it all over to the side, twirling it in her fingertips. Looking back at Anna, through glasses that were placed over her beautiful, dark brown eyes, Fallon giggled. "Well, you said yourself that you've decided you were done with the whole 'Tomboy' thing." Fallon shrugged as Anna stared back at her, bewildered. "But I didn't expect you to write that in the cover of a book Fall." Anna grumbled as she flipped through the pages of the paperback that was just given to her. "The Agony of Alice" by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Anna stared down at the cover and read the title over a few times and the illustration on the cover. The illustration showed a miserable looking girl, wearing a pair of jeans that were obviously too big for her. She was grateful for the book...well at least the intention that was behind it. Anna loved to read. It was, in fact, one of her favorite things to do. However, for some strange reason, this particular book didn't appeal to her. Even after reading the back of the book, the story just didn't catch her eye. She looked up to see what her cousin was doing, only to find her sprawled across her bed, staring up at the ceiling. With Fallon not paying any attention, Anna tossed the book aside and rose from her crouched position on the floor by her window, to her feet. She let out a loud groan as she reached her arms out and stretched and then began to survey her all too familiar surroundings. Her bedroom was painted white, and her rug was an odd purple-ish color. The rug itself has seen more years than Anna did. All four walls were covered in Star Wars paraphonalia as well as a few of her own drawings. The room was square, with two windows on the wall directly across from the door. At one corner, beside the window on the right, was an old nightstand that was now being used as a desk. Leaning up against the wall between the windows was a large mirror with a table and chair in front of it. This Anna had used as a vanity, with a towel draped over the table. Directly under the left window was an old wooden toy chest she's had since she was a baby. It was filled with all sorts of little trinkets from her early childhood that she still, to this day, held so dear to her. Against the wall, to the left of the toy chest, was her entertainment system. This consisted of a television set, a sterio, play station, nintendo-64, a game or two, a VCR, and doors that opened up. These doors lead to a compartment that contained her many movies, most of which were Disney. The head of Anna's large, queen-sized bed was against the wall to the right of the window on the right. It jetted out to the center of the room. To the left of the bed was a small brown lounge chair that was given to her as a baby from her mom-mom, and to the right of the bed was a small night table, with yet another towel draped over it. Suddenly, Anna broke free of her thoughts at the sound of a loud sigh of boredom. "Ann, are you excited about school starting up again next month?" "Huh?" Anna thought for a moment, glancing out her window and catching a glimpse of the sunset. She flopped down in the chair in front of her desk. Leaning her head up against the glass, she struggled to see more of the sky, but unfortunately, her cousin's house, next door, was blocking her view. "Anna, are you listening to me?!" Fallon was now sitting upright on the bed, legs still and arms crossed, sounding annoyed. "Oh....sorry." Was all Anna could mutter as she turned her attention back to her younger cousin. "I guess I'm excited." Anna replied. "I mean...I hate that school to begin with..." She paused and took a deep breath. "...then again, who knows?" Again, Anna rose to her feet, and this time with a shrug, rather than a stretch. "Its sixth grade...maybe something will happen this year?" Fallon coughed. "You say that every year Ann. I give you a day before you come home saying how much you hate it...and besides...you're getting Sister Marybeth, I hear she's a real witch." She said, waving her hand casually in the air. Anna cringed. The last nun she had was a bit of a nutcase...but by the end of the year she grew to love the woman. Sister Abigail ended up taking care of her and helping Anna through a very tough portion of her life at the time. Slowly, a sly grin crept across her lips as she spoke to Fallon. "I may be getting Sister Marybeth...but you know you fourth graders will be getting Sister Catherine." Fallon opened her mouth to retort, but ended up simply sticking her tongue out at Anna. "Fallon! Anna!" Anna turned, the shout had come from behind her. She glanced out the window to see her aunt calling up to them. Both girls lived next door to one another, and before that, when they were very small, right across the street from the other. Since all of the homes in the neighborhood were rowhomes, they weren't extremely big. However, the homes on Anna's block were stores many years ago, and therefore, bigger than the average rowhome of the area. Their back yard was also lager than the others on the block. However, that was because they had taken down the fence that separated Anna's backyard from Fallon's. Since they were all family, they decided to work on the yard, years ago, when Anna was about three years old. They took down the sheds to make the yard bigger. Then, they put a fence in halfway from the house to the wall that ended their yard. There, they had a large pool of five feet deep, thirteen feet by twenty-four feet. At least, that's what the pool was like up until last year. That year, Anna's grandparents thought they were going to be moving, so they took care of the pool first, practically cutting it in half, leaving half on Fallon's side and a mound of dirt on Anna's. Then, just before they were going to separate the rest of the yard again, they decided they weren't going to move. The area that didn't have the pool was all concrete, with a patio set directly in the middle. Fallon sprang up from the bed and scurried over to the window. She pushed her forehead up against it and lifted her pointer finger up, signaling to her mother that they would be down in a moment. "Anna, I think it's dinner time. You're still comming over, right?" Fallon paused. Her pretty little face screwed up in an expression that made her look as though she were deep in thought. "Um...I think my dad made ribs on the grill for dinner..." She looked over at Anna as though she were trying to judge whether Anna had been impressed or not by the announcement. Anna simply shrugged. "Shall we find out?" Anna asked, as she leaned over to the window and opened it up. A gust of heat blew in her face, but Anna didn't mind. She liked the heat actually. Both Anna and Fallon leaned up against the screen and inhailed through their noses. "Yup...I smell something on the grill at least..." Anna announced, pulling herself away from the window. Fallon took in another breath and stood back. "Yup...I'll ask my dad to put extra barbeque sauce in your's for you, okay?" With that, Fallon turned sharply and jogged out of Anna's bedroom, closing the door behind her. As Anna pulled her window down to close it, she could hear Fallon practically triping down the stairs. Shaking her head, Anna couldn't help but giggle. Fallon was an odd one. She could be extremely graceful for a girl her age, and at others, almost as awkward as Anna herself. As Anna turned to exit the room, she hada sudden change of mind. She had made it to her door, but once her hand touched the doorknob, she made a nintey degree turn toward her "vanity". She yanked back the brown folding chair and plopped down into it. As she sat there, Anna found herself staring at a girl with extremely dark brown eyes, nearly identical to Fallon's. Brown freckles dotted her nose, but the rest of her was pale, even though it was the beginning of August and she was outside much of the time. Her hair was long and poker straight. It was dark brown and fell to her waist. Being as she was only eleven years old, the girl did not wear any make-up. Anna stared back at herself with a look of disgust. She hated it. Everything about it. It depressed her to see it. Yet she never left the house without checking. Hoping, each time that there was a possibility of there being something better to look at. She lifted a piece of her hair in her fingers and stared at it, long and hard. Right now, it was dark brown. She never, not in her entire life, had one simple hair color. The Irish in her made it chestnut brown from time to time, while the Italian in her made it such a dark brown that it could easily be mistaken for black sometimes. Yet it wasn't like normal people, she thought. Usually, if someone's hair color changed, it was because the sun made it lighter in the summer and it should grow darker during the winter...if it changed at all that is...Yet Anna's hair. It seemed as though it was completely spontaneous. It could go chestnut during the winter and "black" during the summer for all she knew, but for now, it was simply just dark. The brown was still obvious, but it wouldn't be considered light either. Slowly, Anna stood from her seat and took a few steps back, enough that she could see herself entirely in the mirror. Though once white, her sneakers were plain and her white socks didn't add any flavor to them. Her shorts were a dark denim, while her T-shirt was plain and light blue. That expression of disgust began to resurface upon Anna's pale face. My legs are too fat...I have too much of a gut... Anna thought long and hard as she evaluated herself. Her thighs were too big she thought, but she assured herself that it was because of her sport and she had simply gained a lot of muscle. Her "gut" however, she could not think of any reason for it and hated herself for it. "Oh well..." She mumbled to herself as she turned and made her way to the yard, where her aunt, uncle, and cousins had been waiting for her. (Last edited by Katana on 07-11-06 07:07 PM) |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 102 days Last activity: 102 days |
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| Good detail of the room, it makes it easy to picture how it all looks. If you did decide to go back and clear up the grammer and spelling this would be excellent, right now it's just very good. Is there more or was this just a short story? | |||
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Katana Dark Wizard \"She said tonight...come on come on collide...see what I fire feels like..I bet its just like heaven.\" Since: 08-15-04 From: Philadelphia, P.A. Since last post: 1557 days Last activity: 1374 days |
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Yup...more than a short story. This is something that was highly recommended a while ago and I am now taking up on the suggestion...lowand behold, it helps immensely. 
I still haven't gone back and really fixed chapter one, and chapter two is more than likely to have tons of errors. I'll get to them eventually. :p Chapter Two The sun shone directly into her eyes, as Anna stepped outside her grandfather's house. "Christ it's hot out." Said the man who had exited the duplex just after Anna. She glanced over her shoulder to see a man of large stature. Not only was he taller than she, easily reaching close to six foot, but he was a heavy set man as well. While his hair was dark and eyes blue, his skintone was on the tan side. The tan, of course, was due to the time of year. His attire, whether on a workday or not, was always the same. Just a simple pair of blue jeans and a T-shirt. Be it winter or summer, he always wore pants. Today was no different, as he shook out his maroon T-shirt, in an attempt to air himself out. To most people, the August forecast was unbearable. The temperature was in the high ninteys, and the city's humidity didn't help matters. However, for Anna, it was just right. She was the type of girl that would walk outside in sixtey degree weather and march right back inside to fetch a jacket. When it was like this, the child was full of energy and happy while most other people were sluggish and complaining. "It's not too bad, Tom." Anna replied as she put her sudden burst of energy to use by skipping. "Why is it that you're so hot and I'm just fine?" She asked. Tom chuckled. "Because heat rises, Midget. I'm taller, therefore, it's hotter for me.",was his answer. 'Midget' has been Tom's nickname for Anna since before she could remember. As a little girl, she used to fuss over the name. She never liked being refered to as 'small' or 'little'. However, the older she got, her reaction to it became less and less apparent, until she was so used to it that it stopped bothering her. However, for her age, Anna was far from being considered a 'midget'. She had just turned eleven years old back in May and was about 5 feet tall already. By the end of fifth grade, Anna was considered one of the tallest in the entire class, and probably would be in the start of sixth as well. Deciding that Tom's answer was good enough, Anna refrained from continuing a conversation regarding the weather. "When do you have to go to work?" She inquired. They continued walking until they came to an intersection. While they waited for their light to turn green, Tom leaned against a parked car. He seemed to be out of breath and was already sweating profusely.The heat must really be getting to him today...Anna thought to herself as she watched his every move. The moment was odd for her. Tom could walk on water, for all Anna could see. The man did everything. He was strong and tough and did his damndest to raise her as his on daughter. The only thing stopping Anna from calling him 'dad' was the fact that her biological father was still a part of her life and it just made things simpler for people to differentiate between who was being spoken about. However, now, Tom seemed weak and vulnerable...something Anna wasn't accostomed to. She knew that any normal person would find it to be hot in that kind of weather, and Tom's size didn't help him any either. However, even this was a little extreme. They had only walked a block and Tom seemed as though they had been walking for miles and miles. When the light turned green, Tom pushed himself up from his position against the car with a grunt. He looked back to make sure that Anna was following, before he began crossing the street.Two and a half blocks left...thought Anna as she kept a close eye on Tom, wondering what he would be like then if this was how he reacted to walking only one block. "I have work tonight." Tom announced, apparently not hearing Anna's question just moments ago. "I won't be done until late, so you'll have to stay at your grandmother's," Tom must've noticed Anna's expression perk up, because he let out a soft chuckle before adding "and I just know you hate that idea." As they neared the house, Anna could see her grandmother and two of her aunts sitting outside on their steps. While she had relatives living right next door to her, she also had more living only three houses from her. The three women were deep in conversation, probably gossiping about something happening in the neighborhood as usual. Anna broke into a run and reached the front of her house within a few seconds. She looked over to see where Tom was. He wasn't too far from their position before she began running, but at least he was still making his way to the house. "Hi Grandmom!" Anna exclaimed as she jumped up two of the steps and leaned in to give her grandmother a kiss. "Hey Aunt Jane, Aunt Claire." She gave her aunts a wave as she walked past her grandmother and up to the door to her house. Before entering however, Anna gave one last glance in Tom's direction. While he was only a few steps from the house, fatigue was obviously taking a toll on him. "Anna, go get Tom a glass of water." She heard her grandmother say, but was already on her way to do so before the sentence was even finished. As quickly as she could, Anna made her way to the kitchen. She fumbled around while getting the glass and turned on the faucet. Someone must've been using hot water only moments ago, because she had to wait a few seconds for the water to get cold. When she finally felt the cold water flow, she shoved the glass underneath the faucet. Once it filled to the top, she dashed back out of the kitchen, forgetting to shut the water off. When she returned to her front steps, Tom was sitting on one of the bottom steps. "Here." Anna said softly as she knelt down beside him. Tom nodded in appreciation and took the water. She watched as Tom down the water in what seemed like a second flat. He smiled. "Thanks Midget." He said, as he reached over and rustled her hair. Anna grunted in reply as she took the glass and got to her feet. Tom followed suit and brushed himself off once he was standing to his full height. "You be good, and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" He says. Anna nodded and gave Tom a hug. "C'ya tomorrow." She says. Again, she had to nudge her way past her grandmother and two aunts. Tom said goodbye to everyone else and began walking to the next street. Being as they were the second from the corner property, he didn't have far to walk. She stood at the top of the steps, just as she always did when he dropped her off there before heading into work. As usual, he stopped before he had to turn the corner and gave Anna a little wave. Anna grinned and gave an energetic wave back before going inside, where not even two seconds in the door, she could hear her sister screaming from the kitchen. Oops...She thought to herself as she froze in place, unsure of whether to make a run for it or not. |
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