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03-29-24 02:52 AM
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Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Fall | |
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Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5649 days
Last activity: 4914 days
Posted on 06-09-06 04:24 PM Link | Quote
The wind sings past my ears in a shrill pitch that assaults my senses. My body is weightless against the wind. I let my body go limp and then move again; the blood in my veins feels like wire hangers, against the force of gravity. My motions are muted. Relaxing and contracting my muscles is a struggle against the fall. The building flies beside me. Window after window gives a zoomy wave good-bye. I close my eyes knowing the time will soon come. I've found my zephyr. The weather is perfect. And in the last living moment before the sidewalk closes in I wonder, "Is this a mistake?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's short, but I like it.


(Last edited by Makura on 06-12-06 06:25 PM)
Stitch

Roy Koopa
Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie!








Since: 08-20-04
From: California

Since last post: 696 days
Last activity: 696 days
Posted on 06-09-06 08:49 PM Link | Quote
"...let body got limp."

"go"

"...let body go limp and them move again."

Nice sentence, but a little confusing. It needs more. I know what you're trying to go for, but yeah.

Capitalize the "t" in "the" before "weather".

Other than that, awesome short story. Reminds me a lot of my "Car Wash" story.

And, by formally requesting that I read one of your stories, you've won my random reading and commenting because I want to...er...thing.
Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5649 days
Last activity: 4914 days
Posted on 06-11-06 11:22 PM Link | Quote
Thanks I really appreciate it, Zabuza. I made a few changes, tell me what you think.
Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 74 days
Last activity: 74 days
Posted on 06-12-06 02:12 AM Link | Quote
I think that you should take out the period separating the last sentence from the one before it, otherwise it's fragmented and looks weird. Other than that, nice job... I assume just a little thing you whipped up?
Stitch

Roy Koopa
Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie!








Since: 08-20-04
From: California

Since last post: 696 days
Last activity: 696 days
Posted on 06-12-06 03:43 AM Link | Quote
Yeah, I'll go ditto with the fragmentation. I chose to ignore it to allow you literary creativity...if and only if this was meant as poetic prose rather than literary prose.
Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5649 days
Last activity: 4914 days
Posted on 06-12-06 03:24 PM Link | Quote
Er..uh yeah I did that on purpose.

It is a fragment. Fixed now though.

And yes, this was just something that popped into my brain. One of those twenty minute jobs.
Pockets

Werewolf
pockets








Since: 10-20-04

Since last post: 4853 days
Last activity: 4369 days
Posted on 06-19-06 11:22 PM Link | Quote
I like. Interesting thought though. I wrote a story rather similar to this one back in
my senior year in highschool I titled, "Freefall." Great minds think alike I guess.
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