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03-28-24 07:42 AM
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Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5648 days
Last activity: 4913 days
Posted on 03-12-05 04:39 PM Link | Quote
EDIT: Story Deleted


(Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM)
Déesse

Sailor Déesse
Mistress of Pink
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy








Since: 08-14-04
From: The Moon

Since last post: 6326 days
Last activity: 6058 days
Posted on 03-13-05 04:07 PM Link | Quote
wow, that's is really going well, I would love to see more, it is sounding like a nice little story. You put so much detail into it, it was like actually reading a novel
Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 73 days
Last activity: 73 days
Posted on 03-13-05 04:28 PM Link | Quote
Very nice Makura... I think I spotted a few typos though. "unconscious" instead of "unconsciousness" and "pang" instead of "pain"... not sure on the second one though. But yeah, I must admit that I am greatly intrigued.

Oh, and how do you pronouce his name?
Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5648 days
Last activity: 4913 days
Posted on 03-13-05 05:17 PM Link | Quote
Thank you both.

It is actually going to be a novel. I just have to keep working on it. I thought unconsciousness looked a little funny. Now that I have a second opinion on it I will change it. And it is suppossed to be pang not pain. As soon as I finish the next couple of pages I will post more.

Edit: His name is pronounced Seg as in Sega Nintendo.


(Last edited by Makura on 03-13-05 08:19 PM)
Spartan

Metal battleaxe
Is back. Kind of.








Since: 11-15-04

Since last post: 2090 days
Last activity: 1331 days
Posted on 03-14-05 06:24 PM Link | Quote
Oops sorry makura i forgot to post...

I read this earler and thought this was pretty interesting...Very interesting...

I would really like to read more.
Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5648 days
Last activity: 4913 days
Posted on 03-14-05 06:29 PM Link | Quote
EDIT: Story Deleted


(Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM)
Spartan

Metal battleaxe
Is back. Kind of.








Since: 11-15-04

Since last post: 2090 days
Last activity: 1331 days
Posted on 03-14-05 06:46 PM Link | Quote
Hmmm...what to make of that....

Pretty interesting...
Pockets

Werewolf
pockets








Since: 10-20-04

Since last post: 4852 days
Last activity: 4368 days
Posted on 03-16-05 10:04 AM Link | Quote
YAY *bounces around like a fool* You're working on the book. *continues bouncing*

Anywho, good stuff like I said before, right more, and I'm here to talk if you hit a snag maybe I can help. *hugs*
Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5648 days
Last activity: 4913 days
Posted on 03-17-05 09:54 PM Link | Quote
EDIT: Story Deleted


(Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM)
Pockets

Werewolf
pockets








Since: 10-20-04

Since last post: 4852 days
Last activity: 4368 days
Posted on 03-18-05 04:51 PM Link | Quote
Interesting sis. I noticed a couple little things you might want to look at. With quotation marks there are a couple rules to take into account.

This sentence: “Hello, dear. I’m sorry about your loss. I know that there are no comforting words.” He spoke with regret.

THat should be three sentences, not four. Take a look at this and take these suggestions into consideration.

"Hello, dear. I'm sorry about your loss. I know that there are no comforting words," he spoke with regret.

He spoke with regret is still a part of the sentence so you have to use a comma before the quotation mark not a period. You could also change up the wording a little like so.

"Hello, dear. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I understand that there are no comforting words that I can give you," he said regretfully.

That's just my interpretation. I've got a different style of writing than you do but hopefully I got across my point on playing with the structure of a sentence and the order of words to create different atmosphere with the words.


(Last edited by Pockets on 03-18-05 07:52 PM)
Makura









Since: 01-22-05
From: The restaurant at the end of the universe....

Since last post: 5648 days
Last activity: 4913 days
Posted on 03-18-05 05:22 PM Link | Quote
EDIT: Story Deleted


(Last edited by Makura on 07-12-08 11:54 PM)
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