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| Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Perfection |
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Twilight Sparkle         Since: 06-01-11 From: Equestria Since last post: 4767 days Last activity: 4431 days |
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| I'm not sure why I'm writing this here... I guess it's because I want to be somewhat heard. The forum I usually frequent wouldn't allow this, and a note on Facebook wouldn't generate replies. So I'm resorting to people who I only know through reading old forum posts, and who only know me through a few posts I've finally made this past week or so.
Hopefully this makes sense. . . . I'm a very odd person. I wish to be many things, the least of which is ordinary, or conforming to any sort of ideal, save my own. However, this morning I realized something. I'm the perfect woman. Well, almost. If perfection can be based off sexist jokes and commentary, along with archaic expectations, then I match a certain type of perfection. While I'm not perfect physically, I have many traits that (supposedly) many men want in a woman. *I spend almost all my time in the kitchen, be it cooking or cleaning. *I make amazing sandwiches. *I'm obedient. I do as I'm told with rare exception. *I'm submissive. (Not going into detail on this... >.>) *I'm quiet. *I don't speak my mind. To the point that I suppress my thoughts in order to not make people feel bad. Ever since I equated this, I've been driven insane. What I've always wanted to be, was an independent, successful woman. One who doesn't need a man, who was BETTER than men. Somehow, I've ended up being the opposite of that... A meek mouse terrified of her shadow, enslaved to the thought of serving masculinity. There's so many things I imagine myself doing, but as it is, it appears the most I'll do with my life is become some sort of domestic housewife. 
Basically, this discovery gives credence to my hypothesis that I'll never amount to anything, seeing as I failed school, don't have a job, am afraid of everything, and can't do anything for myself. I just feel really... Like I'm worthless. Sorry for wasting anyone who reads this' time... |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 100 days |
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| Never call yourself worthless. It simply isn't true. Right now you may not be where you want to be, but that does not mean that you will never succeed. You want to better yourself, and you can do it if you put your mind to it. You want a job, apply to every single place you can find that is hiring, even if you'd rather not work there (I recently applied to Walmart and I've stated before that I'd rather die that work for them). You can hunt for a better job later, and then you have something to put on a resume.
Take charge of your life and do something you want to do. Learn to do things for yourself. I am sure Nelrith would be happy to teach you to do whatever he can, as would other friends. Take some classes at the local adult school or community college to improve your computer graphic skills. I've been the meek little mouse. My last relationship had me acting more like a maid than a girlfriend. I didn't start out that way, but I've always had a rather clingy and self-sacrificing personality in relationships and that one just got out of hand. When you realize that you hate the meek thing, you need to break the habit. Speak your mind, and if your friends are really your friends they will be happy for you breaking out of your shell. A bit surprised, maybe, but happy. Now, there is nothing wrong with being quiet and making amazing sandwiches... if you like cooking maybe look at culinary classes and turn it into a career. The important thing is that you are doing it for you, not because people tell you to. In my honest opinion, you seem like a pretty awesome person. What you need to do is look in the mirror and see that as well. I am sure that when Nelrith sees this he will agree with me... if not I will break his legs (kidding!). |
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Twilight Sparkle Since: 06-01-11 From: Equestria Since last post: 4767 days Last activity: 4431 days |
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| One of my issues with going to work, is that I'm agoraphobic (meaning that I'm afraid of social places and people), and I'm pretty much terrified that if I leave my house I'll die.
Seriously. It's hilarious but true. x.x And I'd totally take classes, but I've failed so much at school that my college GPA is less than 2.0, so I can't get financial aid (and I can't afford to pay for it, which is why I want a job). The messed up part, is that while half of it was my fault, the other half was due to illness (swine flu and gall bladder surgery) and mental issues. In regard to both of those, however, I'm trying to work with a program in my town that helps people with mental illnesses get jobs (I have a panic disorder and I'm bipolar, both of which are apparently major mental illnesses, ranked up with Schizophrenia). Unfortunately, I'm having issues making and keeping appointments. One of the many traits Nelrith and I share is a phone phobia, so like, I'm afraid to call. x.x If I do manage to get back into school, I know at least part of what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a degree in Early Childhood Development, because I'm thinking about being a preschool teacher. And if I don't be a preschool teacher, I'll use that degree combined with a Psychology degree and an Art degree to be a Art Therapist for children. I specifically want to work with sexually abused children, since that cause is... really close to me. I want to help people, and I want my life to be meaningful. I mean, I want to be more than just a housewife popping out babies and caring for her family. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just want more. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 100 days |
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| The school should have a special program for students with disabilities that you can contact to see if they can help you out at all. I am sure that if they take people with ADD like they do at my school then someone with Agoraphobia is much higher on their list. | |||
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Twilight Sparkle Since: 06-01-11 From: Equestria Since last post: 4767 days Last activity: 4431 days |
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| I may have ADD. My shrink said that if I still have symptoms with the medications I'm taking, she'll look into it. But she's thinking it's just the bipolar.
And I'll look into that. I always figured that the Agoraphobia was something I'd just have to get over, since most people seem to think that it's not a big deal. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 100 days |
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| Those are people that don't understand how hard phobias are to deal with. It is something that you should work on overcoming, this is true, but it is not something to be dismissed. One potential solution to the agoraphobia problem for school at least, though it would take discipline, is online classes.
The other stuff, like being bipolar, should also be qualified for help with the DSA office (or however they abbreviate it). If possible, try to take only one class at a time so you can more easily afford it until you build your GPA up again, or see if they can't work something out since part of your grades slipping was due to illness. I don't know how ADD and your medicine connect... but if she does decide to look into it make sure she is thorough since psychiatrists are so quick to say "ADD". |
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Twilight Sparkle Since: 06-01-11 From: Equestria Since last post: 4767 days Last activity: 4431 days |
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| I tried online classes. I tried hard, I swear I did... I bombed those harder than I did the regular classes. I just couldn't focus on them (Which is part of why I think I have ADD. I can't focus on ANYthing. Like, even reading for pleasure, and I used to be a ravenous reader. I read the Silmarillion in two days the first time I read it).
And yeah, I intend on taking one class at a time when I can afford at least one. Ima retake the ones I failed first, then go into ECD. My medicine atm doesn't connect with ADD. The ADD symptoms I have could just be Bipolar symptoms, so she wants to rule that out before she looks into ADD. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 100 days |
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| Ah, okay, I get it. Hopefully she can get that sorted out for you.
Don't feel bad about the online class thing... I dropped the only online class I ever took because the teacher failed to communicate anything. Two DAYS? I still haven't finished the Simarillion. I know most of the stories from other sources and it's like reading the Bible. Granted, I faired better with it than the latter book. How long did it take you to read all of Lord of the Rings? Just curious. |
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Twilight Sparkle Since: 06-01-11 From: Equestria Since last post: 4767 days Last activity: 4431 days |
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I read the Bible leisurely over the summer in 8th grade I think it was... Funny the stuff that is and isn't in it. 
The first time I read LotR, it took me 5 days. I actually intended to read it sooner than I did, but the elementary school I was in didn't have it. But, when my mom brought home FotR, I paused it ten minutes in and ran to the library and got the Hobbit and LotR. Then after I finished reading them I watched the rest of the movie. |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 100 days Last activity: 100 days |
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| I was pleased with myself for reading it in two months, wow. You're a speed reader. | |||
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Twilight Sparkle Since: 06-01-11 From: Equestria Since last post: 4767 days Last activity: 4431 days |
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Yeah, I've always read fast.  After my first time through, I got even faster. Last time I timed myself (around 7th grade) I could read The Two Towers in two hours. |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 92 days Last activity: 90 days |
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| You may not feel perfect... but you're perfect to me!
Sorry if that feels like a very generic, overused statement, but it's definitely true. |
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Twilight Sparkle Since: 06-01-11 From: Equestria Since last post: 4767 days Last activity: 4431 days |
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| It's not just that I don't feel perfect, it's that I feel worthless, but at the time I feel like I'm emulating a model of perfection that I don't agree with.
But regardless, thank you. I love you and I think you're perfect as well. <3 |
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