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| Xeogaming Forums - Xeo's Hot Tub - Random Jokes |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator         Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 94 days Last activity: 91 days |
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| Okay, we need jokes. Funny shit. Let's go!
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by a chick." |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica.  Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| What do you get when you mix castrol oil with holy water?
A religious movement. |
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Cteno Super Shotgun Moderator Since: 01-11-05 Since last post: 94 days Last activity: 91 days |
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| A guy goes into a bar and sees the sign behind the counter:
Cheese Sandwich - $2 Handjob - $10 He asks the lady at the bar, "Excuse me, miss, but are you the one that gives the handjobs?" To which she replies "Why, yes I am!" so he says "Well, wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!". |
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Lord Vulkas Mormonus Vile High Xeodent of Xeomerica. Since: 10-29-04 From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way Since last post: 96 days Last activity: 96 days |
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| Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead! Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the first! Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. (Last edited by Vulkar on 05-04-09 05:26 PM) |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 635 days Last activity: 444 days |
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| Guy slumps into a bar. He orders 4 shots of Jager.
The bartender asks, "Tough day, man?" The guy says, "I just found out my son is gay." "Tough break, man," the bartender says. The guy drinks his 4 shots and is on his way. The next day the same guy comes back and orders 6 shots of Jager. "You all right, man?" the bartender asks. "I just found out my father's gay," he sighs. The bartender shakes his head in pity. "I'm sorry to hear that," he says. The guy sighs and immediately slams down his liquor and leaves. The next day, the same guy walks into the bar, and this time orders the whole bottle. The bartender just asks, "Man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?" "Yeah," the guy says after taking his first swig. "My wife." |
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The Accidental Protege Iggy Koopa I\"m your accidental protege... The gift, the blood, the thrownaway...\" Since: 03-08-05 From: Marching on the city of Southern Cross Since last post: 1168 days Last activity: 1168 days |
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| A penguin was driving through the desert when her car broke down. She waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. Her car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told her he would need a couple of hours to check things out. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain, and then wandered off to find the closest supermarket. She proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After a while she got into the freezer, next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then she noticed the time and headed back to the garage, covered with ice cream. The mechanic walked over to her, wiping his hands and shaking his head, and said, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." | |||
Cyro Xero Rune Mage  Rave Atom  Since: 02-23-05 From: Minnesota!! Since last post: 51 days Last activity: 51 days |
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| A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the
maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar. The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you rike dlink?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs..." -------------------- 25 Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say... 1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. 2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now! 3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang. 4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot. 5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse. 6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again? 7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy. 8. You're my daddy! You're my daddy! 9. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday. 10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one! 11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover. 12. Bar food again!? Kick ass. 13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. 14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. 15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more. 16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift! 17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" all the time, then you don't have to mess with it anymore. 18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em? 19. It's only the third quarter, you should order another pitcher. 20. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Cindy's bare ass! 21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends. 22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again. 23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! 24. You are so much smarter than my father. 25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter. |
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Rogue If you're reading this... You are the Resistance Since: 08-17-04 Since last post: 635 days Last activity: 444 days |
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Seriously, reading over the list... I swear I've said a lot of things, or at least a few things just like them. 
This British naval ship is sailing along when all of a sudden there's a cry from the crow's nest. "Pirate ship off the starboard bow, Captain!!" The crew panics and looks to their captain. With a look of confidence and determination he turns to a cabin boy and shouts, "Bring me my red shirt!" The boy gets it, the captain puts on the shirt, and soon they are boarded by the pirates. After a half-hour battle the British crew are triumphant. The next day, there's another cry. "Captain! Two pirate ships off the port bow!!" The captain turns to a cabin boy and once again says, "Bring me my red shirt." Second verse, same as the first. The boy gets it, he dons the shirt, and once again after being boarded the crew are victorious. That night a few seamen go to see the captain wanting to know the significance of wearing his red shirt. "My dear fellows," he says. "A ship's captain stands as a symbol of the ship and crew's valiance. When I wear that shirt, should I be wounded, the shirt would be the same color as my blood. So long as I keep fighting and appearing strong and confident, you'd all fight with your last breath." The crewmen found this a brilliant idea and left. The next morning, there's a cry of absolute fear and desperation. "Captain! Captain!! Ten pirate ships!!! We're completely surrounded!" The crew all look to their captain for hope and orders. He turns to a cabin boy. "Bring me my brown pants." (Last edited by Rogue on 05-10-09 08:23 PM) |
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True Flight The One Since: 08-21-04 Since last post: 101 days Last activity: 101 days |
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| A Christmas Cake Recipe
1 cup of water 1 tsp baking powder 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts Bottle of vodka (or substitute a bottle of your own choice) 2 cups dried fruit Sample the vodka to check quality. Take large bowl and check vodka again to be sure it’s of highest quality - pour one large cup and drink. Repeat Turn on electric mixer Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl Add one tsp sugar Beat again At this point it is best to check the vodka again to see if its shtill ok Try another cup .... just in case Turn off the mixerer Break two leggs and add to bowl and chuck in the dried fruit Pick fruit off floor Mix on the turnerer If fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the vodka to check for tonsisity Next sift two cups of salt or sumfink. Who gives a shit? Check the vodka Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts Add one table Add a spoon of sugar or somfink - anything you can find Greash the oven Turn the cake 360 degrees and try not to fall over Don’t forget to beat off the turnerer Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat Happy cooking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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