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03-29-24 10:07 AM
Xeogaming Forums - - Posts by Phoenixocracy
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User Post
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-28-10 01:14 PM, in The person below me Link
Already clean

The person below me wants a very specific ban.
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-28-10 01:16 PM, in Three Word Story. Link
Once upon a New Jersey summer, Urban Astronaut spammed. The spam was served with rice. Day by day he sadly posted and masturbated furiously. He loved tentacles and furry porn, but despised every cheese quesadilla. Then, a furry creature burst into flames. Urban immediately spewed quesadilla all over Bitmap, infuriating him. Bitmap turned gay. Like super gay. Gay for Vince, who secretly loved Hannah Montana. He cuddled with Bitmap
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-28-10 01:22 PM, in Three Word Story. Link
Once upon a New Jersey summer, Urban Astronaut spammed. The spam was served with rice. Day by day he sadly posted and masturbated furiously. He loved tentacles and furry porn, but despised every cheese quesadilla. Then, a furry creature burst into flames. Urban immediately spewed quesadilla all over Bitmap, infuriating him. Bitmap turned gay. Like super gay. Gay for Vince, who secretly loved Hannah Montana. He cuddled with Bitmap, and with Phoenix, and with Vulkar
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-28-10 01:31 PM, in girls are so grose i am making a thread Link
My name is pink.
My name is pink!
MY NAME IS PINK!
MY NAME IS PINK!


(Last edited by Phoenix on 08-28-10 01:32 PM)
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-28-10 03:03 PM, in XGF Competition: Pleasant Hills Link
Originally posted by Cairoi
I'm not contesting any of the rulings here, but could someone point out some of these run-on sentences? I see long sentences, but they're all grammatically correct as far as I can see.


I saw none. All of your sentences were fine. As you said, some were long, but nothing was a run-on.
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-28-10 03:24 PM, in XGF Competition: Idiosyncratic Insanity Link
Judge time.

Grammar: 6

Run-ons and fragments galore. I understand that he is crazy, but as Xeios said, a lot could have been added/gotten rid of and kept the flow of the story going just fine.

Spelling: 10

Plot: 5

Not everything explained made sense, as previously stated. You also could have made more sense out of the shockwave. The character obviously used technology, considering how he knew Youtube songs, so how was he okay?

Characters: 3

He hates technology, but knows Youtube songs? He seemed very fluctuating, besides the fact that he was crazy. You did the crazy part just fine. Miranda seemed thrown in very rudely, and her personality was also changing a lot. You made her off to be a savage, but then she was talking very rationally about repopulating.

Include why he needed to feel special before the very end, otherwise it doesn't make sense.

Description: 8

Great description, but you could use some more to pull everything together. Tell us how we got from point A to point B, and describe visuals a bit more.

Creativity: 7

No zombies is a good thing. This is probably one of the first post-apocalyptic stories I have read without some sort of living dead. I think it could have been done nicely if it took a different turn at the end, as the ending made almost no sense given prior details.

Overall: 35

Rewrite this. I know you were under a hectic time limit, and I've read a few of your other things. This has potential, so take it to the shop and fix it up.
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-28-10 03:50 PM, in XGF Competition: Tyler the Corporate Cannibal Revamped. Link
Grammar: 4

I'm not True, I don't care if you're a high school student.

In any case, variety, Vince. You need variety. The beginning of every sentence was almost the exact same, and so were the words in them. You used the word 'he' way too much, and it could have easily been swapped out. Start thinking about other things to replace them. I'm sure your character could come up with something creepy like 'the meal', but be original.

Otherwise, a few unnecessary fragments.

Spelling: 10

Plot: 5

Timeline. Everything moved much too fast with too little information. This type of writing, to me, is okay for a story with a small timeline, but this was over the course of a day. Otherwise, add a bit more. Why did he skip Trisha?

Characters: 4

Unoriginal. Besides that, I would like to see more of a history. As Vulkar stated, you mentioned that he hasn't been around 'normal' people for too long, but went nowhere with it. Why is he the way he is? Also, the sex thing can be dropped out. It takes away from the story in an odd way.

As for the love business, don't give him a view of love like society has. He is a psychopath and a cannibal/serial killer, so give him his own way of loving. For him, it can easily be the taste of the meal. It would also be interesting if you wrote in how Jason ended up being his 'soul mate', considering this view, but this is just a suggestion.

Description: 1

I wasn't there at all. You gave me very little visual details, to the point where I was literally just reading and not picturing anything. I want to know who looks like what. I want physical descriptions of the laces he was, along with the vibes it gives off. The best description you had was of the man's apartment, and even that was bad. Describe where he was walking, how the floor felt on his naked feet, dirt, anything.

Plus, your transition from scene to scene was horrible. If you were going o do it this way, you should have used a separator and just told us he ended up there after work. The way you have it written, I have no way of knowing where anything was, even from the bathroom tot he kitchen.

Creativity: 2

Make an original character. Psychopaths have all been done before, so make your own. The psychopaths that stand out most to me are the completely insane ones that have batshit views and do things like no one else. Give the character unique qualities, and focus on them. Make his way of thinking original and something of your own.

This was very similar to the original, as well, so I docked points for that.

Overall: 28
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 02:27 AM, in You know, Link
Vince, I think that's when you stop.
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 02:36 AM, in 150 pound FIve year old found in vermin infested house Link
*is shocked beyond words*

But I'll try to add something.

This is seriously messed up. How do you let your child get that bad?

I blame this entire thread.
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 02:50 AM, in Three Word Story. Link
Originally posted by Gunmetal Badass
and with Valhalla,


Rofl xD



Once upon a New Jersey summer, Urban Astronaut spammed. The spam was served with rice. Day by day he sadly posted and masturbated furiously. He loved tentacles and furry porn, but despised every cheese quesadilla. Then, a furry creature burst into flames. Urban immediately spewed quesadilla all over Bitmap, infuriating him. Bitmap turned gay. Like super gay. Gay for Vince, who secretly loved Hannah Montana. He cuddled with Bitmap, and with Phoenix, and with Vulkar, and with Valhalla, then they exploded. Urban pleasured himself. Anyways, while watching Hannah Montana, Vince
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 02:58 AM, in Desert Heat Discussion Thread Link
Originally posted by Roguely Moguely
Most Likely to become Staff: Phoenix





YES!!!!
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 12:26 PM, in ITT: Smug Link
Jerk
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 12:27 PM, in Answer one, Ask one Link
Weezer

Whose lightsaber is your favorite?
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 12:52 PM, in Answer one, Ask one Link
Dali

What is your favorite breed of dog?
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 12:55 PM, in 2010 XGF Story Competition!! Link
I would say average the overall.

But Xeios is right; there will be a lot of problems because two of the participants never judged. It will only work if they all do, or all don't.


(Last edited by Phoenix on 08-29-10 12:56 PM)
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 01:00 PM, in We've all spammed Link
Originally posted by Elara
And all your base are belong to us, what is the point? I dunno. Hey look, I can spam!

Spam spam spam spammity spam!


Banned!
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 01:02 PM, in ITT: Smug Link
Banned
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 01:18 PM, in Swap Battle. Link
Joe grew tired of chasing the chicken. A warrior should stand in battle and face his defeat, not run like a coward.

Joe easily swung to the right, avoiding the blue leaved trees. If his opponent wished to destroy his own realm, let him.

Joe continued his dodge, following his momentum to the right, where he could hear the sound of rushing water. The former Olympian began to gather energy, wishing to destroy his cold-footed opponent with ease.
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 01:23 PM, in Character Test Link
Tectalus sighed inwardly, realizing his predicament was not a beneficial one. Any magic used was sure to be absorbed by his opponent unless he could pinpoint the damage, and away from the glowing hand, at that.

The Djinn made a sudden movement, running away from the cliff and circling his opponent, growing closer with every stride. Defensively, the earthen blade was held up in an attempt to protect his vital points.
Phoenixocracy

The one true Xeodent








Since: 01-08-10
From: Xeomerica

Since last post: 1458 days
Last activity: 1458 days
Posted on 08-29-10 01:30 PM, in Spewing Blood Link
Instead of resisting, Samuel allowed himself to be pushed down, growing closer to his adversary by his own doing.

Samuel quickly reached out his left hand, smacking the spike. At the same time, he slashed and broke the spike, allowing him to throw it to the side.

Now, Joe's armor was made of the earth itself. Because of the manner he used the spike, the rest of Joe's armor had to funnel upwards, meaning there was less to no earth protecting his anymore.

If Joe had instead made sure to bring up more earth to make up for what he was losing, the sword flying towards his open chest might not pierce it.
This was, however, not the case. Joe himself was helping propel Samuel downwards, and Samuel himself had his own wind propelling him downwards.

The speed of this strike was not something easily dodged, especially in Joe's current position.
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Xeogaming Forums - - Posts by Phoenixocracy



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