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Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - COMPETITION ENTRY: On the Moonlight Path | |
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WhiteRose

Warrior
Sailor Delerium

Have you ever spent days and days and days making up flavors of ice cream that no ones ever eaten before? Like chicken and telephone ice cream?...Green mouse ice cream was the worst.








Since: 08-17-04
From: The Dreaming

Since last post: 4481 days
Last activity: 5185 days
Posted on 08-09-06 09:34 PM Link | Quote
She stood there on the grassy hill looking up at the dark colored night. She looked at the shinning full moon. On any other night, she would have enjoyed the view, but this was not any other night. The moon radiated its beautiful pale light, marred with the red glow of the crown surrounding it.

The wind picked up and began to blow strands of her ebony colored hair across her pale face. She inhaled the sweet night air, mingled with the scent of the wet grass below her feet. She closed her eyes and sighed.

Since the day her talents had emerged, her mother and grandmother had told her of their family’s particular history. They would tell her of her great ancestor and her great accomplishment that saved their world. Since then, all the women of her family had the duty of watching for the sign…

The sign. She never thought she would see it. Part of her had hoped, possibly even believed that the stories her elders told her were just that, stories. Now it was up to her.

She berated herself for choosing to live alone, away from the rest of society. Her legendary ancestor had people aiding her, the Company of the Moonlight Path, but now it was her responsibility and she was alone.

The sighed yet again and turned her back on the moon. There was not much time. She ran back to her small cottage, the velvet of her violet skirt rustling as it brushed against her skin, her simple green peasant top billowing against the wind. She soon arrived at her home, greeted by Allaya, her falcon; her friend and only companion. She extends her arm out and the bird of prey gracefully lands on one of the black leather gloves she wore.

She walked into the warm candle light that illuminated her house. The falcon flew back to her perch as the young woman walked over to a mirror. She looked into the mirror, staring into what binded her to her oath. Her eyes. She could try and hide, but those who knew the lore would seek her out. Not that it would be very difficult. After all, how many women had one purple eye and one green eye.

She bowed her head and allowed a single tear to fall. She then began her preparations. She knew what she needed; she had been trained for this after all.

After she gathered what she needed, she walked to the door. She extended her left arm and called to Allaya to her. With a quick and graceful flutter, the falcon landed on the glove once more. She then took one last look to what had been her home since her mother had died, three years after her grandmother’s death. Perhaps, someday she could come back, though she doubted it.

She sighed and stepped out the door and locked the house for what would probably be the last time and began to walk the path of her destiny. She said a silent prayer to the spirits of her ancestors, to guide her on her journey. To guide her as she goes to fight the Lord of Fiends.
Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 129 days
Last activity: 129 days
Posted on 08-17-06 06:00 PM Link | Quote
Judges results, each area out of 10 points:

Originally posted by venomouslobster
Grammar: 9
Spelling: 8
Plot: 0
Character: 9
Description: 9
Overall Creativity: 10

You're story has the potential to become a very good novella or novel. I really enjoyed the beginning and I am looking forward to seeing how the character is developed in the future. However, this passage that you wrote wasn't a short story. I couldn't give you any points for plot because, while there was rising action, there was no climax or falling action. It was a scene's arc, rather than a story's arc. Please don't allow your score to affect your writing more of this story.


Originally posted by Zabuza
"On the Moonlight Path" - by

WhiteRose

Critique:
Nice start to a story, but doesn't seem like a good short story. It needs more in less.

Grammar:

Spelling:

Plot (Flow and Concept):
liked the start of the plot, but needs more.

Characters:
Engaging, but a little flat.

Descriptions (Readability and

Flow):
"The sighed yet again and turned her back on the moon" I assume you meant to say, "She sighed..."

"She walked into the warm candle light that illuminated her house" Awkward sentence. Try "walking into the warmth of the candlelight" or something similar.

Overall Creativity/Originality:
Excellent!

Overall:
Grammar: 9 points.

Spelling: 9 points.

Plot: 9 points.

Characters: 8 points.

Description: 9 points.

Creativity/Originality:
9 points.

Total: 53 out of 60 points. 88%

of 100%. B+.


Originally posted by Elara
Grammar: 9
Spelling: 9
Plot: 2
Character: 7
Description: 9
Overall Creativity: 7

This was a very good passage, but the lack of a plot resolution cost you some points. The descriptions were very well done, except for a few typos. But overall it is well done and I look forward to seeing you continue this story. Good job!



(Last edited by Elara on 08-17-06 09:01 PM)
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