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| Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - The Harvester |
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie!          Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 936 days Last activity: 936 days |
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| The eye is a vessel to the human soul, or lack thereof. That is why he stands in front of the mirror, paused midstroke while shaving, staring intently at the reddish-brown iris of his eye encircled by a thick, blue line. The pupil, as empty and black as the dead sea, reflecting a distorted version of himself. He gently placed the razor on the counter while splashing the warm water across his half-shaven face. Dim morning lights filtered through the frosted windows casting mild yellow and orange highlights across his body. He picked up his black silk shirt and white tie, ruffled his hair, and walked back into the morning darkness of his room.
Chimes sounded from the small speaker on his laptop computer alerting him to each and every "friend" that signed on and off to his instant messaging program. He tossed the shirt down on his small bed, next to the laptop, draping the white tie across the silken fabric. The room smelled stale, the carpet leaching each stain and expelling its pungent odors whenever the room wasn't occupied. Across from his bed, the former closets that had housed his childhood clothing now served as a fortified armory for his barrage of fully- and semi-automatic weaponry. The lower closets welcomed spaces for a variety of swords from all over the world, but his prized katanas hung gingerly on dedicated hooks near the front door. The home had been reinforced in 4-inch thick walls of kevlar and titanium all around, both as a precaution and as a novelty. The long-occupied home of his former neighbor had been purchased years before, and was turned into his home office hosting his computer consulting skills. It, too, had been equally reinforced for his business' safety, exclusively. The rear laundry room closets stored aesthetically cooled UNIX servers sealed behind layers of firewalls, redundant security protocols, and biometric locks. He still had the black washer he had picked out a decade earlier with his mother at the local large department store retailer. He strolled through the living room, passed the babbling spew of the morning news channel, to his kitchen pulling a whistling tea pot off the small stove from his childhood. The hot water flowed into his blue tea cup, the same cup that had weathered his years as a video game tester, merging with the aromatic exotic green tea bag. The kitchen phone began to ring, his attention on the minute flower garden in his backyard. Fully and impeccably dressed in a solid hue of perfect black, accented by a stunning virgin white tie in a half-windsor knot, completed by an exquisitely fitted black leather ninja mask finished by a pair of solid black, thin-rimmed sunglasses. His shoes echoed the fine style of his perfectionistic ideals, but exhuded a practical aspect of utility. Instead of venturing out into the fledgling light of morning, elementary school students walking by in the crisp air, he stood at his security door sipping his tea and staring at nothing. At nightfall, he sat atop of his roof, listening to nothing and concentrating on nothing. An ethereal darkness surrounded him, engulfing the emptiness of his being. During his years in high school, when he was led astray from the benefits of being a white being, he adopted the teachings of the dark master. Years later, he was a dark soldier--a soul harvester--serving the dark master with virgin, white souls to feed the dark master's ever insatiable needs. He ruled in the astral planes, as well as the physical realms, and had become a force with which to be reckoned. His very being required the harvesting ceremonies to survive, the darkness was a welcome warmth to an otherwise cold and dead world. In addition to this, he served a duty to the purveyors of his talents, to the venture capitalists of organized crime hoping that this completely neutral party could turn ripples into tsunamis of destruction amongst the warring families. Yet, he had possessed a hidden agenda beneath the millions of dollars sitting in his myriad savings accounts across the world; an agenda that motivated him to undermine the authority of every employer and every ambassador of the dark master. His dream was to eradicate all professional evil until only a single entity of ultimate evil persisted. I shall finish this later, but I welcome comments and criticism. |
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Cairoi This isn't about you and your loud mouth, This is about me and my fucking beard. Since: 08-29-04 From: PA Since last post: 4850 days Last activity: 4474 days |
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XD Zabuza, this seriously made me laugh. It's not supposed to be funny, I know, but you really threw me off there in the beginning.
Originally posted by "Zabuza" That line changed the entire feeling I got from the story. I really like this one, but I think you gave a little too much away in the beginning chapter. I know you hold the elder card over me, so my suggestions might not be wise, but I'd suggest leaving an air of mystery about why this person has so much money and weapons. His occupation should be revealed on the job, keeping the story turning, then revealing his disenchantment with his employers later after that. Other than that Zabuza, I can't suggest anything. Your style is great and precise. It sticks to the topic at hand, while still clarifying everything. I want to see where you go with this one. ^.^ Keep on it! |
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Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 102 days Last activity: 102 days |
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| I'm just wondering how he looks since he's still half-shaven. Again, great detail... but I hope you actually continue with this one. It sounds promising.
White being? |
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Bitmap #1 Enhancement Shaman US Ravenholdt  Since: 09-05-04 From: His Laughin' Place Since last post: 4558 days Last activity: 4552 days |
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| I just love the random background information you display about your character...I bet his internet buddies would never expect him to house a reinforced room filled with weaponry...
I said 'Wtf?" at this part... Originally posted by Zabuza Not to mention you forgot to make the character shave the other side of his face...But heres my point, Its such an interesting style youve developed, its almost like ( To me ) that the character has his mind in too many places at once... Personally, I try to avoid using popular weapons and repetitive character emotions (you diddnt display the emotions part thank God) when writing... Overall, I expect to read more... (Last edited by Sajin of the Gorotto Sea on 03-21-06 11:59 AM) |
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