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11-29-22 05:09 PM
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Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Red Eye: In the Time of Disorder | |
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This isn't about you and your loud mouth,
This is about me and my fucking beard.

Since: 08-29-04
From: PA

Since last post: 4125 days
Last activity: 3749 days
Posted on 05-14-07 05:58 PM Link | Quote
This will be the first chapter of the prologue to the Red Eye series in Comet Saga. It spans Kenneth Ride's enlistment into Red Eye up to the infamous day he rebelled with his companion Vincent. Writing style will not be consistent as chapters can be set based on different mentalities of Ken. PS, more meant to tell a story then to wow with writing skill, so please don't jump my goat on that. Anyway, Enjoy, and please leave comments.

It is said a pivotal moment can determine one man's future, and possibly, the future of the world can be changed. The future mattered little to this man, going by the name of Kenneth Ride. To him, all that he could think of was food. The fact he lie dirty and tattered on the stone streets, dampened and weakened by the falling rain did nothing. He needed to eat.

At that moment, when life could have passed from him, two men in strange garbs passed by him. One of the men, an aged yet sturdy man, turned at the heap of flesh and clothes. He stepped close to Ken and bent down, reaching into his pocket.

"Here, lad. I won't walk by and watch youth waste away. Eat, and be merry." He began to walk away, and Ken reached over and picked up the money. It was enough to feed himself for weeks! Ken smiled at the old man, and held it close. He rose and ran away, the excitement of the meal ahead driving his body.

The next day, Ken was dressed in new clothes, clean, happy, and full. He found himself at a walkway intersection, chewing on a grain bar. He ran his hand through his black hair and looked around, trying to think of a course of action to take. A job would be good, he mused, stroking the back of his neck.

From the corner of his eyes, he noticed the old man and in a rush ran over and grabbed his shoulder. The old man turned around quick, accompanied by three other men in similar uniform. One man seemed familiar, being the other man from the day before.

Ken spoke in a cheerful voice. "Hey, man, I really appreciate what you did for me. This place has been so cruel and you gave me needed to get back on my feet."

The old man smiled and patted Ken on the shoulder, a warm aura emanating from him. "I'm glad to see you took my help so seriously. You can call me Monticello."

Ken felt like this Monticello was a role model, and the warm feeling that came along with compassion warmed him. But at that moment the other man from the day before.

"Monticello, why are you wasting time with this beggar? We have pressing issues to attend to." He said gruffly, looking down upon Ken like he was a maggot.

Ken's blood boiled. "Do you know who I am? Only a few weeks ago I was the infamous Zeus of the Sky Pirates!"

The man retorted with an unimpressed tone. "So, what happened? You fell into nothingness. Begone, peasant, you're wasting my lord's time."

Monticello began to speak in Ken's defense, but before he realized it, Ken had grabbed this ignorant man and launched him across the intersection. Panicked civilians dashed out of the way and opened the area for him and this man to fight.

Ken's opponent rose, tugging his black jacket before tossing it, revealing a white dress shirt underneath a dark blue bullet-proof vest. The man laughed heartily, scaring the innocent onlookers. Meanwhile, Ken kept his fiery gaze locked on this man, his scowl boring into the sight of all.

The man spoke up, saying "You insolent little whelp, I see you have a nice throwing arm. But you'll pay for starting a fight with me, Ferrous." Ferrous flexed his muscles, showing off his impressive form. In a flash, he launched forward, seemingly catching Ken by surprise. He let loose an uppercut that brought Ken up off his feet, then pulled back and released a godly punch at his torso, uttering "Iron Ox Fist!" as Ken went flying back into the air.

Ken fell into a produce stand and seemed to be knocked cold. Ferrous turned around to pick up his coat, a smug grin on his face.

Monticello raised his voice in anger at Ferrous, saying "Why did you do that to him?! First you chide him, then you kill him? I'm surprised at you, Ferrous."

"Enough, Master Monticello. You were nice to him and he stood in your way, and then had the gall to attack me. He deserved what he got." Ferrous countered, growing disappointed that Monticello scorned him. After a moment, the group of men began to walk away, before a familiar voice spoke up.

"What, going somewhere?" They turned to see Ken standing, a devilish grin on his face. "So, that hurt a little. But, if you honestly expect me to fear you for that, you need to learn what we sky-pirates face."

Ken walked up to him slowly, the audience backing up once more. Ferrous looked at him with a disturbed gaze, confused as to how he could walk.

Ken suddenly pulled his right hand back, and it shined a magnificent blue. "Blast Drive!" He slammed his glowing hand into Ferrous' chest, pumping him with volt after volt. Ferrous took several steps back, and fell to the ground, dead. His body had been burned and fried to the point of no return.

Ken turned to Monticello. "I apologize for my actions, but he had no qualms killing me. I had never intended to use my lightning."

Monticello ran and crouched over the body of this fallen warrior, cold sweat forming on his neck. He stood and looked at Ken as the other uniformed men inspected Ferrous.

"Zeus, you called yourself, correct?"

Ken nodded. "Yeah, I went by that name before. Suppose you see why."

Monticello stepped close to him. "Quickly, you're coming with me."

Monticello led him down several blocks until they reached the City Center. There was a tall building at the south end of the plaza. They entered and took the steps to the left side, leading them to a very busy underground facility.

"Welcome to the fledging organization known as Red Eye, Zeus. We've been looking for people like you."

(Last edited by Clash on 05-14-07 08:58 PM)


Since: 08-16-04

Since last post: 4351 days
Last activity: 661 days
Posted on 05-15-07 01:12 AM Link | Quote
Good good! Excellent work my friend.

Check out Vincent's back story, coming soon!
This isn't about you and your loud mouth,
This is about me and my fucking beard.

Since: 08-29-04
From: PA

Since last post: 4125 days
Last activity: 3749 days
Posted on 05-15-07 03:24 PM Link | Quote
Chapter 2

With a flash of light, Ken awakened. He stood in the center of a white room, wearing nothing but white boxers. His toned body was exposed, revealing countless deep scars on his back and torso, evidence of a lifelong struggle of survival.

He shivered slightly as the air shifted, a door opening somewhere near and shifting the baromatic pressure. A voice resonated in the waiting room, highlighting a once hidden door with beams of light as it spoke.

"Please, make your way through that door. Thank you."

Ken did as he was told, mildly confused. Only a few days ago he had been living on the streets, and now he felt like a guinea pig. Well, Monticello had told him these tests would prepare him for his new job.

He reached a door at the end of the hallway and meekly opened the door, being greeted by several strange faces. They all wore white lab coats, and had faces of deep concentration on their face. He cleared his throat, effectively getting their attention.

"Um, hey."

They looked up at him, causing him to feel a little uncomfortable. The woman the farthest from him, a beautiful woman with hair the shade of autumn leaves, walked up to him, placing her hand on his forearm.

"Hello, Ken. My name is Ambellina, and I'm one of the doctors that will be assisting you in your surgery."

Ken blinked twice. "Surgery?"

The man in the corner, a pale man in a starch white lab coat, rose. He was incredibly thin and frail, and on his brow rested a pair of black goggles, normally used to obscure his cold, reserved icy blue eyes. He had crazily unkempt hair, graying despite his overall wrinkle-free face.

"Yes. Your electrical manipulation is a taxing and detrimental trump card. If you continue to use it as you are now, in a taxing combat situation it could destroy your internal organs and muscles. So, I've devised a few cyborg implants that will regulate your body functions and enable you to perform at top form, using your electricity without the threat to your body."

Ken blinked twice. "Thanks, Doc."

The frail man scoffed. "Please, my codename is Gadget. Speak to me with respect."

"Whatever, Doc." Ken said, laughing.

"Alright, Ken, now it's time for your surgery. Come with me." Ambellina led him through another doorway to a simple doctor's room, laying him down on the table. She began to place minature pads to keep track of his bodily health while under surgery, while talking to him about whatever.

Ken would normally feel eery about being worked upon, but this girl calmed him down. As long as he kept his cool about her, he could care less about what was about to him.

"You know, Ambellina, I hope I get to see a lot more of you while I'm here." Ken said, giving her a warm smile as she injected the sleeping serum into him.

She kissed him on the forehead and gave him a playful wink. "I'm sure we'll see a lot of each other. Goodnight, Ken."

And as Ken's vision grew blurry, he laughed for just a moment. "Goodnight, angel."

And he was out of it.

Lord Vulkas Mormonus

High Xeodent of Xeomerica.

Since: 10-29-04
From: North Carolina, United States. World, Sol System, milky way

Since last post: 1799 days
Last activity: 880 days
Posted on 05-15-07 04:31 PM Link | Quote
Alright, I really liked the second chapter, because it basically uses your strengths at writing more than the first.

However, I really didn't like the first one at all. Ken somehow managed to survive a deadly punch, with no explanation as to why. I suppose that that is the cost of using a roleplaying character, but I think that he could be a lot better of a character if he was a mortal.

Also, I'd reccomend that you not have your characters saying the names of their attacks as they use them. I personally would reccomend not naming them at all, but if you do, it seems somewhat cheesy to say what they are as you use them.

But then, I guess I haven't seen enough anime to understand.
This isn't about you and your loud mouth,
This is about me and my fucking beard.

Since: 08-29-04
From: PA

Since last post: 4125 days
Last activity: 3749 days
Posted on 05-15-07 06:23 PM Link | Quote
Note: Vulkar, to answer your very much appreciated comments, I'm working them into this next chapter. Hope it clears things up for you. Oh, and a forewarning, this chapter, as for the most part it takes place when Ken is drugged, will be written in a surreal manner.

Chapter III

How did he survive Ferrous? scars since birth, survival brings strength

His ribs are like armor! They're relatively bruised, but for some reason they seem to be made of stone! symphony of constant pain, flames of fury meld the armor of the heart

Hmm. He is a Fire Totem. Physically powerful Fire Totems have shown to react strangely to the Serum. We should test him.


How much anesthetic did you give him?! He's waking!

"where am I?" Though still diluted, Ken's eyes opened. Masked faces stared back at him, eclipsing the bright light behind them. Then he felt the call of fatigue, and fell back once more into the land of dreams.

Ken awoke in a bare room, his body aching. He lifted himself up from the mattress, eying up the bandages where the mechanical upgrades had been implanted inside him. They itched a little. He began scratching the bandages lightly, when he felt his whole body begin to shake slightly. This must be an aftereffect of the surgery.

He subtly began to notice he still had the small pads on him. He wanted to take them off, but that probably wouldn't be too intelligent of a decision. He looked around, and he saw no doors. Hmm. Why does this entire facility hide its doors, he wondered.

His body began to shake more and more. He felt this inner anger grow within him. Why was he angry? He didn't know. His body seemed to be running itself.

He began to shake insanely. He fell to his knees, clutching and scratching at his body.

"What the fuck is going on with my body?!" He screamed. He felt as though a shadow straight from hell was clutching onto his heart. Black circles formed around his vision and closed in until sight left him, as did all waking thought.


He awoke to the sound of dripping water and the hiss of white noise. His eyes opened with a strange sensation, and he felt the little droplets of water hitting the ground nearby. He rose, lifting his body off the floor. He gasped and backed up when he saw the condition of the room. Huge indents in the concrete walls, going in several feet. The ceiling was broken in, and a broken water pipe was the culprit. And in the one wall was a giant hole. He looked through it and saw one of the men from the room. He was wrecked, his lab coat was in tatters, and he seemed to be bleeding badly.

Ken ran through the hole and bent down to look at the man. "What happened?! Sir, what happened?!"

But the man's eyes were wide open, and seemed to have their spirit ripped out long before. His mouth opened, uttering out a few words in hushed insanity and fear.

"Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops." He stammered, shaking mildly. He then looked down at his bleeding chest, and breathed his final breath. Ken tried to look around for what had happened, and he saw a monitor hissing white noise in the corner.

Ken walked over at the monitor and pressed the rewind button, thinking he could make sense of what happened by watching the surveillance tape. He re-winded it to the beginning, and hit play, only for his face to flush white in horror.

He backed up against the wall and shook his head as the tape began playing. The sounds of steel being bent and crushed, the screams of the man next to him, and then...

And then the sound of his voice, although darkened and demonic, uttering the words.

"Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops, boy."

Ken couldn't take it. He vomited up the contents of his stomach. He panicked when his vomit splattered the floor as a glowing red liquid. He looked at the liquid as he shook quietly, crying. His tears caused ripples in the serum as his reflection looked at him with a grin straight from Hell and eyes that burned into his soul. Did the demon reside within him, or did it face him in this concoction from Hell? He feared to learn.



Since: 08-16-04

Since last post: 4351 days
Last activity: 661 days
Posted on 06-17-07 01:44 AM Link | Quote
Good shit Cai.

Also, posting so he can jam to chapter IV
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