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| User | Post |
| Phoenixocracy Posts: 785/2746 |
Vague is what I was going for. So it appears I have succeeded. |
| cityondown012510 Posts: 25/201 |
Not too bad...I just hate Plath. A lot. For the style, it's not bad though. A bit vague, maybe. |
| Phoenixocracy Posts: 558/2746 |
Haha. Yeah. Mine definitley stinks, but it was the first poem I've ever written, albeit by force. Still, I sort of liked it. Oh well. *shrugs and throws into a nuclear vat* |
| Elara Posts: 5664/9736 |
Meh, perhaps I just don't like that style of poetry. Hers did seem a bit more organized since I had an idea what it was about, but overall, meh. |
| Phoenixocracy Posts: 546/2746 |
Yeah, I actually hate poetry. I did use the same words alot, so a revision would be best. I'll get to that eventually, but the last lines are supposed to repeat; it's a villanelle. But here is the Plath poem that I more or less stole the idea from. This was just a project, and as I suck at poetry, yeah... :
Sylvia Plath - Mad Girl's Love Song "I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.) The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.) God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan's men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. I fancied you'd return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.) I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead. (I think I made you up inside my head.)" |
| Elara Posts: 5659/9736 |
It has promise, but ultimately it is really repetitive and vague. What is going on in the poem? I've never read Plath so I don't know how closely you emulate her style, but it just seems a bit off to me that you use the same words over and over and over. |
| Phoenixocracy Posts: 330/2746 |
I wrote this villanelle for creative writing. I'm not great at poetry. As a matter of fact, i dislike most poetry. But I liked this. Inspired by Sylvia Plath and my own depression. Feedback would be cool, so I know if its actually good or not. Dont be afraid to say it sucks--I wont take it personally.
*** What is it that they are scheming? The world is ending all around me Pinch me, I must be dreaming The sweat on my brow is gleaming Can all of this really be? What is it that they are scheming? The clock on the wall stare at me, beaming I'm not sure if I believe what I see Pinch me, I must be dreaming All the noise has my mind reaming Paralyzed and unable to flee What is it that they are scheming? My inner thoughts are screaming Begging me to plea Pinch me, I must be dreaming The darkness inseide is teeming As I smile tearfully What is it they are scheming? I wish that I was dreaming |
