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03-28-24 10:22 AM
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Xeogaming Forums - Sunset Waterfall - Guilt | |
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Trigger Happy Jones









Since: 02-21-06
From: It's not hell... But it sure feels like it. *sweating*

Since last post: 6460 days
Last activity: 6460 days
Posted on 05-16-06 02:18 AM Link | Quote
I can't sleep.

Guilt. That's why.

Since childhood, I've had problems socializing with kids. I grew up in a country home, most of the time, completely isolated from contact with other children. When I got older, my mother shifted almost all attention from me to my cousin, who parents were getting divorced. This lasted for two years. I was constantly riddiculed in middle school and recieved almost no attention from my parents. I began to slip into severe depression and teachers immediately recognized it. The harrassment intensified and the pyschologist suggested that I immediately go on powerful anti-depessants. Mom was paying more attention then, but could do little to halt the non-stop belittling and verbal threats. I was once punched in the back of the head in the lunch line, because I "read too much". I was called many names, mainly chicken shit, fat ass, and some I can't mention.

This fucking shit continued till high school. I recovered from depression, stopped taking the meds, and made peace with the fact that everyone in that school hated my fucking guts. I thought I was better, honestly, but the single thing that plagues my sleep is guilt. Guilt from every failure and embarrasment I've ever accumulated. I remember fuck-ups as much as 14 years ago, and it show no signs of stopping. I'm so damn worried about saying the wrong thing on these very forums, that I had a nightmare last night about being banned.

I keep talking about myself because I cannot identify with anybody here on this board or anywhere else for that matter. I don't know how to start a conversation well, and people like Sajin have seen how fucked up I was in the earlier years of High school. Self-absorbed because all I ever done before was take care of myself on a psychological level and had no chance for nobody else. I thought friends were impossible unless you were popular, and girls were out of the question. Things change, but the Darwinistic battle to survive our educational system will always remain the same. I grew up despising the system that put me through a daily hell. At one point, I nearly forsaken god, because I was convinced he wouldn't allow such an attrocity to happen to his own children.

I feel like I made many mistakes in my life and angered many people.

Here we are, at the graduation of high school. Many will look back and become nostalgic. I'll remember it like a limbless veteran remembers Vietnam, "Glad this fucking hell is over, let's not even remotely discuss it no more." The few fond memories will always be overwhelmed by the thousands of hellish nightmares that proprogate from this apathetic system.

I feel a lot better now that I've gotten that out of the open. This board has allowed me to vent my frustrations and woes in ways that would induce anger and indifference anywhere else. Thanks for letting me vent.

Bitmap

#1 Enhancement Shaman US Ravenholdt








Since: 09-05-04
From: His Laughin' Place

Since last post: 4318 days
Last activity: 4312 days
Posted on 05-16-06 11:47 AM Link | Quote
Let me first just point out to you that you are someone I look up to Dallas...I understand you about people picking on you and it made me sick. Remember in Mr. Griffon's class you were there with me? Everyone thought you were weird...I myself would not judge you on the outside, but as the confident student you were in the inside...

People would pick on you, harrass you, even harm you in ways unexplainable. I just thank God that you met me and Ben in Mr. Griffon's class...

I also thank God that you left Fucking harris County, and are graduating with me at the Performance Learning Center...I am so glad we escaped that Hell together...

When you walk down the walkway this saturday, I want to see you with your head up high, knowing that you made it with all the hardships you went through. And if anyone gives you shit, tell them otherwise, and point them my direction. I will be happy to kick their ass, and im not afraid to do it...Im there for you dude, you let ME know if you have a problem, and I will take the blame, no questions asked...You hear me?

People are different Dallas. Understand that God made you who you were...and let no one ridicule you of your interists at all!

That shit that happend in high school and in middle school? Forget about it, those people who picked on you are going to be the Janitors of your major buisness one day...and if not, they can suck your dick and fucking like it!

Go ahead and smile right now dude, you have earned that diploma you and I are receiving this saturday...Just smile, laugh, hold it up high, and say to yourself that you have done it...you have deserved it!

God bless you dude...Your a great friend! Never forget that!
Trigger Happy Jones









Since: 02-21-06
From: It's not hell... But it sure feels like it. *sweating*

Since last post: 6460 days
Last activity: 6460 days
Posted on 05-16-06 03:30 PM Link | Quote
Thanks, dude.

It's just weird that I just feel guilty when I try to sleep, ya know?
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