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06-20-18 12:57 PM
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Xeogaming Forums - Muses' Sanctuary - New story | |
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Luna
Newcomer








Since: 07-13-11

Since last post: 2530 days
Last activity: 2523 days
Posted on 07-13-11 05:44 PM Link | Quote
I wrote this a couple weeks ago, when I decided I might try to get a set of short stories published. I know it feels like it's the middle of a story, but this is the full thing. I wanted the reader to feel kinda plopped down into a setting that they didn't understand to make them interested. I'd love some constructive criticism. The key word there being CONSTRUCTIVE.

________________________________________________________________________

She looks so small in the light reflected in the rear view mirror. I can see her watching me as I drive. I try to act like I don't notice. Like I don't feel her eyes on the scar across my eye. Like I don't know she's watching everything I'm doing. The classical music pours fronm the open window on my side into the night. I can tell she's scared. I can tell she doesn't understand. I can tell. I can tell.
I don't know what I should say. I don't know what I should do. I put my hand on hers. She's shaking. She's scared. I can tell.
The road ahead of us isn't well lit. It twists and turns like a snake in the grass. The warm night air is thick with moisture. The crickets chime in the night, echoing through the emptyness. The car whines quietly, the highway streaks by. It feels like we're flying. The car hits eighty without a problem.
She has tears in her eyes. I feel bad for her, but I can't say it. The words escape me. I pull off the highway onto a side road. Slowing the car, I turn the music down. I put a hand on her shoulder, but she pulls gently away. I can see the pain in her face.
Suddenly, something appears before the car. I swerve. The car runs off the road. The thing before us is eight feet if it's an inch. Its translucent skin is a light blue. It has a mane of a bright orange hair and long fangs.
The car skids to the side. I almost lose control. She's shaking. Damn, and this was going so well.
I grab at the hunk of metal behind her seat. The large gun is heavy in my hand, but it's a familiar weight. I kick the door open and stand. The creature is looming over the car, bearing its fangs. She's wimpering, bearly audibly. I raise the gun to shoulder height and pull the triggger. The gun kicks like a mule. Gun smoke fills my lungs. The bullet grazes the monster under the arm. It wails an inhuman cry. The red casing ejects from the side of the gun and lands on the asphalt at my feet.
The creature doesn't falter. I pull the trigger again, not bothering to aim the shot. It nicks the creature's mighty shoulder. Ifire another as soon as the casing is ejected. The bangs echo through the night. This one hits it in the neck, and I can see vivid purple blood leak from the wound.
It recoils, grasping the wound. I push into the car and drive off, letting the force of motion close my door. I can see it watching us go in the rear view mirror. It's only a matter of time.
She's sobbing now. Silently. I can't do a damn thing. I can still see it, chasing us. It's keeping speed with the car quite well. The needle in the speedomiter hits forty, then fifty, then sixty. We're whipping around corners, up back streets, doubling back on ourselves. It's behind us the whole way.
That's when I realize. It's playing with us. It's just having fun. Even wounded, it could have overtaken the car by now.
My heart pounds in my ears. I give the wheel a hard jerk. The car does a 180 on the small desolate street, so now we're veering toward the creature. I pull the gun out the window and fire as we speed toward the monster. One, then two, then three shots explodes from the gun. One knicks its leg, the other catching it in the cheek right under the eye. The third misses completely. The car jerks as we smash into the creature head on. I keep my foot firmly on the gas. The engine whines a complaint, but we speed off away from the dazed creature.
The car dies some twenty miles away. She's a wreck, and so is the car. I shouldn't move her, but if she stays, she's going to die. I can't help her like this, and I can't protect her with so few bullets and sunrise so far away.
I get out of the car but leave her in the passanger seat. Maybe I can flag down a car. Maybe I can find a house or a building to hold up in. Maybe I can... Maybe...
Then I see it. It's not phazed at all. It's charging, barreling right at us. It can smell us. It can track us. We're not safe here.
I fire again. It misses. I pull the trigger till it clicks. I shoot a glance back toward her. She's curled up. I can tell.
Then, salvation. The wail of a police siren. Maybe they had heard the gunshots. The red lights can be seen reflected on the road. The creatures stops, then retreats to the shadows. I grab a bullet and jam it into the gun.
One shot. Please, let it take one shot. The police car appears from the curve in the road. One shot. Let it be one shot. Let something go RIGHT. The cop is almost in view. I raise the gun...
It took one shot. The car swerves off the road and rams against a rock, but it's mostly unharmed, sans the hole in the windshield and the blood. I take her by the hand and remove her from the car. She looks dead. She's not, and I'm thankful. I take the two bags from the back as well.
The sound of the siren rings in my ears, but it's perhaps keeping us alive for afew minutes more. I help her into the back seat of the police cruizer. I get into the driver's seat, after removing our recently past savior, but not before I remove the handgun from his belt. There's a beautiful twelve guage laying across the passenger seat. We couldn't have gotten luckier. I toss the bags on the passenger side floor and take off.
Let us get somewhere safe. Please. I peer into the side mirror. I can't see past the shadows. I know it's there. Following us. Tracking us. The sound of the sirens won't keep it at bay forever. Three hours till sunrise.
We continue weaving through the empty side streets. There has to be some sort of building somewhere. I see a flash of blue, just for a second, and then it's gone.
Finally, we come to a seemingly empty building. It's two stories, a store of some sort. I don't have time to wonder what type of building it was in a past life. Two hours and it'll all disappear. I pull as close to the door as I can. The car blocks the door, and I have to climb out the passenger side to get to it. I help her from the car as well, and grab the shotgun and the bags.
As I get her inside, I switch off the siren, but leave the flashing red lights. I secure the front door with a bookshelf. I make sure she's safe in a back room. She's shaking more than before. I don't blaim her.
I stare out one of the windows, shotgun resting against one wall, my gun in my hand, the cop's gun resting on the floor. I can't see it. Not yet. But I will. This wont take one bullet. I don't think I have enough bullets to end this. Two hours.
It seeingly takes forever. It probably only took ten minutes. It comes silently, slowly from the forest. It doesn't approach very closely. It's watching. Waiting. Biding what little time it has left. We're safe for now. Maybe not till sunrise, but for now. An hour if we're lucky. It wont rush us yet.
I keet my eye on it, but my ears on her. I can't tell if she'll make it or not. It shouldn't matter, but it does. The creature paces. It snarls. It glares. It doesn't attack. Its weak, but so am I. Two monsters, out of their elements. It's fitting.
I pray it stays at bay. I pray that we make it. No, I pray that she makes it. I pray that if I can't kill it, then at least I can stall it till sunrise. Its hurt, and tired. I can do that.
It steps slowly toward the building. I raise my gun. It hurts just to hold it up. The kick almost breaks my arm. The bullet only manages to pierce the grass in front of it and cause it to back off. My arm throbs. I almost cry. I'm drained. I pull the shotgun up and fire it. The shell bounces harmlessly off the floor, the spread hits a near by tree.
It roars. It's going to make a final assault. I pull the handgun this time. I fire so many shots I lose count. It's easier on my arm. The bullets hit their target mostly. It doesn't stop. My watch beeps. Half an hour. I was so close.
I pulled the C4 from my bag, arm it, and toss it as hard as I can. As it flies, I pull the detonator. It takes ten seconds, and it's already almost to the cop car and the door. I click the detonate button. An explosion rocks the building. The creature is thrown backward. It's lost an arm and part of its face. I can see large, red bone under its flesh.
I want to tell it to run away. That it can't go any further. But it can. It wont stop. It will never stop.
And that's when I realize. Neither will I. I empty the handgun clip. The bullets shred the creature. Purple rains onto the ground. It pools at its feet. It wails and tries to make another charge. I grab the shot gun and remove its leg. It collapses.
15 minutes. It couldn't go on. It was still alive, but it wasn't moving. I pull a large shard of glass from my side. It can't go on, but neither can I.
10 minutes...
5...
Two monsters, dying in an abandonded world. She would be fine. The sun would come up and she wouldn't remember. It would all die. And so would I. She would be fine...
She would be fine...



Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 7 days
Last activity: 7 days
Posted on 07-16-11 12:32 AM Link | Quote
I made some edits and notations to try and get rid of spelling and grammatical errors, as well as point out unnecessary word use and a few suggestions for word choice. I hope you find it helpful. I put my edits in yellow, except where I used the strike font since it's obvious. I noticed a few times where you changed tense, and I corrected those I saw but you might want to go over it again and see if there are more.

The story is interesting and has a nice fast pace. I would have liked a little more info on why the narrator is a monster, and why the girl trusts him (I assume it's a him), but it's a personal preference. Overall, I liked it and I encourage you to post more of your work for us to enjoy.

Originally posted by Luna

She looks so small in the light reflected in the rear view mirror. I can see her watching me as I drive. I try to act like I don't notice. Like I don't feel her eyes on the scar across my eye. Like I don't know she's watching everything I'm doing. The classical music pours fronmfrom the open window on my side into the night. I can tell she's scared. I can tell she doesn't understand. I can tell. I can tell. (once is enough to set the tone)

I don't know what I should say. I don't know what I should do. I put my hand on hers. She's shaking. She's scared. I can tell.

The road ahead of us isn't well lit. It twists and turns like a snake in the grass. The warm night air is thick with moisture. The crickets chime in the night, echoing through the emptyness emptiness. The car whines quietly, the highway streaks by. It feels like we're flying. The car hits eighty without a problem.

She has tears in her eyes. I feel bad for her, but I can't say it. The words escape me. I pull off the highway onto a side road. Slowing the car, I turn the music down. I put a hand on her shoulder, but she pulls gently away. I can see the pain in her face.

Suddenly, something appears before the car I look back to the road and see something huge blocking the way (Everything happens suddenly, so it's better to not state it). I swerve. The car runs off the road. The thing before us is eight feet if it's an inch. Its translucent skin is a light blue. It has a mane of a bright orange hair and long fangs. (Sounds kinda like Blanka from Street Fighter)

The car skids to the side. I almost lose control. She's shaking. Damn, and this was going so well.

I grab at the hunk of metal behind her seat. The large gun is heavy in my hand, but it's a familiar weight. I kick the door open and stand. The creature is looming over the car, bearing its fangs. She's whimpering, bearlybarely audibly. I raise the gun to shoulder height and pull the triggger. The gun kicks like a mule. Gun smoke fills my lungs. The bullet grazes the monster under the arm. It wails an inhuman cry. The red casing ejects from the side of the gun and lands on the asphalt at my feet.

The creature doesn't falter. I pull the trigger again, not bothering to aim the shot. It nicks the creature's mightymassive (sounds better and more accurate to convey size and muscle) shoulder. I fire another as soon as the casing is ejected. The bangsshot echos through the night. This one hits it in the neck, and I can see vivid purple blood leak from the wound.

It recoils, grasping the wound. I pushdive (conveys the action better) into the car and drive off, letting the force of motion close my door. I can see it watching us goretreat (clearer) in the rear view mirror. It's only a matter of time.

She's sobbing now. Silently. I can't do a damn thing. I can still see it, chasing us. It's keeping speed with the car quite well. The needle in the speedomiterspeedometer hits forty, then fifty, then(no need to use, and slows down the action) sixty. We're whipping around corners, up back streets, doubling back on ourselves. It's behind us the whole way.

That's when I realize. It's playing with us. It's just having fun. Even wounded, it could have overtaken the car by now.

My heart pounds in my ears. I give the wheel a hard jerk. The car does a 180 on the small, desolate street, so now we're veering toward the creature. I pullstick (pull is grammatically incorrect) the gun out of the window and fire as we speed toward the monster (Given how you described the gun before as large and with red shell casings, it brings to mind a shotgun or rifle. If so, this seems like it would not be possible. Is it a sawed-off?). One, then two, then three shots explodes from the gun. One knicks its leg, the other catching it in the cheek right under the eye. The third misses completely. The car jerks as we smash into the creature head on. I keep my foot firmly on the gas. The engine whines a complaint, but we speed off, away from the dazed creature.

The car dies some twenty miles away. She's a wreck, and so is the car. I shouldn't move her, but if she stays, she's going to die. I can't help her like this, and I can't protect her with so few bullets and sunrise so far away.

I get out of the car but leave her in the passaenger seat. Maybe I can flag down a car. Maybe I can find a house or a building to hold up in. Maybe I can... Maybe.... (Ending a sentence with an ellipsis uses four dots)

Then I see it. It's not phazedfazed (phased has a different meaning) at all. It's charging, barreling right at us. It can smell us. It can track us. We're not safe here.

I fire again. It missesMiss (Since you've been using "It" to describe the creature, the original sentence was confusing). I pull the trigger till it clicks. I shoot a glance back toward her. She's curled up. I can tell.

Then, salvation. The wail of a police siren. Maybe they had heard the gunshots. The red lights can be seen reflected on the road. The creatures stops, then retreats to the shadows. I grab a bullet and jam it into the gun.

One shot. Please, let it take one shot. The police car appears from the curve in the road. One shot. Let it be one shot. Let something go RIGHT (all caps or italics on "something" instead of "right" might convey the desperation better). The cop is almost in view. I raise the gun....

It took one shot. The car swerves off the road and rams against a rock, but it's mostly unharmed, sans the hole in the windshield and the blood. I take her by the hand and remove her from the car. She looks dead. She's not, and I'm thankful. I take the two bags from the back as well.

The sound of the siren rings in my ears, but it's perhapsmay be all that is keeping us alive for a few minutes more. I help her into the back seat of the police cruizser. I get into the driver's seat, after removing our recently pastpassed savior, but not before I remove the handgun from his belt. There's a beautiful twelve guagegauge laying lying (to lay = to put, and the characters didn't put the shotgun there themselves, so the proper verb is lying) across the passenger seat. We couldn't have gotten luckier. I toss the bags on the passenger side floor and take off.

Let us get somewhere safe. Please. I peer into the side mirror. I can't see past the shadows. I know it's there. Following us. Tracking us. The sound of the sirens won't keep it at bay forever. Three hours till sunrise.

We continue weaving through the empty side streets. There has to be some sort of building somewhere. I see a flash of blue, just for a second, and then it's gone.

Finally, we come to a seemingly empty building. It's tTwo stories, a store of some sort. I don't have time to wonder what type of building it was in a past life (You just said it was a store... so was it obviously not always a store? Kinda confusing). Two hours and it'll all disappear. I pull as close to the door as I can. The car blocks the door, and I have to climb out the passenger side to get to it. I help her from the car as well, and grabbing the shotgun and the bags.

As I get her inside, I switch off the siren, but leave the flashing red lights. I secure the front door with a bookshelf. I make sure she's safe in a back room. She's shaking more than before. I don't blaimblame her.

I stare out one of the windows, shotgun resting against one wall, my gun in my hand, the cop's gun resting on the floor. I can't see it. Not yet. But I will. This wont take one bullet. I don't think I have enough bullets to end this. Two hours.

It seemingly takes forever. It probably only took ten minutes. It comes silently, slowly from the forest. It doesn't approach very closely. It's watching. Waiting. Biding what little time it has left. We're safe for now. Maybe not till sunrise, but for now. An hour if we're lucky. It wont rush us yet.

I keetp my eye on it, but my ears on her. I can't tell if she'll make it or not. It shouldn't matter, but it does. The creature paces. It snarls. It glares. It doesn't attack. Its weak, but so am I. Two monsters, out of their elements. It's fitting.

I pray it stays at bay. I pray that we make it. No, I pray that she makes it. I pray that if I can't kill it, then at least I can stall it till sunrise. Its hurt, and tired. I can do that.

It steps slowly toward the building. I raise my gun. It hurts just to hold it up. The kick almost breaks my arm. The bullet only manages to pierce the grass in front of itand cause, causing it to back off. My arm throbs. I almost cry. I'm drained. I pullgrab the shotgun up and fire it. The shell bounces harmlessly off the floor, the spread hits a near by tree.

It roars. It's going to make a final assault. I pull the handgun this time. I fire so many shots I lose count. It's easier on my arm. The bullets hit their target, mostly. It doesn't stop. My watch beeps. Half an hour. I was so close.

I pulled the C4 from my bag, arm it, and toss it as hard as I can. As it flies, I pull the detonator. It takes ten seconds, and it's already almost to the cop car and the door. I click the detonate button. An explosion rocks the building. The creature is thrown backward. It's lost an arm and part of its face. I can see large, red bone under its flesh.

I want to tell it to run away. That it can't go any further. But it can. It wont stop. It will never stop.

And that's when I realize. Neither will I. I empty the handgun clip. The bullets shred the creature. Purple rains onto the ground. It pools at its feet. It wails and tries to make another charge. I grab the shot gun and remove its leg. It collapses.

15 minutes. It couldn't go on. It was still alive, but it wasn't moving. I pull a large shard of glass from my side (Where did that come from?). It can't go on, but neither can I.

10 minutes....

5....

Two monsters, dying in an abandonded world. She would be fine. The sun would come up and she wouldn't remember. It would all die. And so would I. She would be fine...

She would be fine...



Luna
Newcomer








Since: 07-13-11

Since last post: 2530 days
Last activity: 2523 days
Posted on 07-16-11 03:37 PM Link | Quote
Thank you for the criticism, though I don't agree with a few things like when you erased the second 'I can tell' in the first paragraph, or the change from mighty to massive, but all the rest really does help me get to know what kind of problems my writing has. Also, to your questions, the gun, what I envisioned it is anyway, is a large gun about the size of a sawed off shotgun, but more in the shape of a handgun. Also, the shard of glass came from when the main character smashed the car into the monster.

Also, I've never played Street Fighter, but when I googled the character you were talking about, I do see a lot of similarities between the two, but when I said mane I meant more of a lion's mane, wrapping around its neck. I didn't convey that very well, I realize, and that's my fault.
Elara

Divine Mamkute
Dark Elf Goddess
Chaos Imp
Penguins Fan

Ms. Invisable








Since: 08-15-04
From: Ferelden

Since last post: 7 days
Last activity: 7 days
Posted on 07-16-11 05:38 PM Link | Quote
Glad I helped. It is fine to not agree with every suggestion, something that I have learned in the writing community.

Ah, lion mane. For me it was just the giant guy with odd skin and orange hair that brought Blanka to mind. But yeah, with some tweaking of those vague things to make them clearer, I think it's a pretty solid short story.
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